Infant Loss & Grieving

I have a son, his name is Ryan

GrievinghealingInfant Loss / January 25, 2016

  “I have a son, his name is Ryan”; “I remember him”. Early mornings are hard.  I wake up wondering if it was all just a nightmare.  For a split second I think it might be.  But then reality comes crashing down.  It was not a nightmare.  This is my life.  I had a baby.  I have a son and his name is Ryan. I find myself replaying every bittersweet second of those 22 hours.  The moment I saw my sweet baby- the rush of joy that came over me.  The moment I heard the nurse telling the doctors to give him to me even though I wasn’t supposed to …..

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Ryan’s Sky

GrievinghealingInfant Loss / January 13, 2016

As I finish up my work day, I can’t help but glance out the window at my desk.  I am looking at the sky.  I see my sweet Ryan when I look to the sky. A few weeks after I was forced to say goodbye, I decided to take a road trip to Lake George, NY.  I needed to get away, get out of my house, run away from myself.  As I drove it began to rain; it began to pour.  As I pulled off the exit on the Northway the rain subsided.  Always so deep in thought when I drive.  Thinking about the past, the future… always about my …..

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GrievingInfant Loss / January 11, 2016

I couldn’t find my words. I couldn’t find my words. I did not have words to speak. I am lost in this world of grief. I see people flying past me at lightening speed, but I just stand still. I try to keep up but seem to always be falling behind. That brings me to the day during my pregnancy when my doctors told us we would be delivering at the bigger hospital so we could be “ahead” of my baby’s CHD… so quickly after he was born did we begin to chase it- we started falling behind. Always falling behind. What I would give to just keep up. It’s …..

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My New Life

GrievingInfant Loss / September 14, 2015

How do you begin your new life when you have to leave your baby behind? As all the websites I subscribed to send me congratulatory emails about my new life- I stare at them in disbelief. Where is my baby? Why does my heart feel so empty? Who am I? I don’t recognize myself anymore. I find joy in very little. I struggle with the cruel reality that after 9 long months of growing, now I am forced to live in this empty body; a body without it’s baby held tightly in it’s arms. A baby to take away the fact that this body hurts. Recovering from my delivery physically …..

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Labor and Delivery Story

GrievingInfant Loss / September 13, 2015

I went to my doctor’s appointment on August 24, 2015 for my weekly prenatal check-up. I was 38w2d along in my pregnancy and the hot August heat was really starting to get to me. As I sat waiting on the table I was proud of myself because I had remained pretty consistent with my weight gain, but I had a twinge of wonder as my blood pressure reading was a “little high”- I couldn’t remember the exact number the nurse gave me. The doctor came in, I had never met this doctor before but since I was seeing them every week I wasn’t as worried about getting in with my …..

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My Story

Infant Loss / September 10, 2015

Hello-  My name is Kalyn and for some crazy reason I decided to start a blog to tell my story.  Two weeks ago, my baby boy passed away- he had a congenital heart condition referred to as Shone’s Syndrome.  Most people have never heard of this because it is a rare condition that occurs in less than 1% of all congenital heart anomalies (  LESS THAN 1%!! Here is my story: Nine months ago I got the best news of my life: My husband and I were expected our first baby!  We couldn’t have been more excited and happy… and scared!  A BABY! I had always wanted to be a mother …..

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