Infant Loss & Grieving


healing / August 27, 2016 /

One year. A flash of hope that was here and gone in less than a day. A moment that changes a person. Challenging me to redefine myself, my beliefs and my fears. A moment that forced me to reevaluate everything I ever knew. To begin to understand this tragedy is still impossible. To say the words is still unbearable. To endure the pain of this forever broken heart is still unimaginable. Not a moment goes by that I haven’t thought about this day one year ago today.
Going to bed the night Ryan was born with hope and waking up the next morning to a nightmare. Navigating through the rush of city life on that hot August morning; running across busy city streets to get to the hospital. The look on people’s faces as I barged through crowds, doors and doctors to be by my son’s side. The smell of his PICU room, the nurses that sat quietly at the monitor by his door with gentle tears falling down their cheeks who refused to make eye contact with me as they watched my son’s stats quickly declining on the screen, the sight of defeat on the doctors faces when they finally met my eye, the rush of heat that came up my body as the cardiologist told me there was no way my son could survive. The feeling of disbelieve and hopelessness followed by the fear of a truly broken heart.
And finally came the moment I was able to hold my precious baby boy for the second and last time ever. The flood of tears that fell from my cheeks to his as I kissed him as many times as I could- whispering “mommy loves you”, “please don’t leave mommy”, “mommy loves you” to him.
The ache in my bones when the doctors began to unplug his lifeline- wanting to scream at them to “STOP” but knowing it would only prolong the suffering. The fear that he would suffer in those moments without any assistance; the relief when his heartbeat stopped only a few seconds later… followed by immediate heart wrenching agony that he was gone forever.
The pieces of me that died with him that day. The emptiness.

To the select few who continue to stand the test of time, who continued to stand by and support me when I wasn’t always there to support you back. You are the steel rods that are my foundation holding me up when all I want to do is fall down. Thank you for being gentle with me. Thank you for understanding. Thank you for being patient with me. Thank you for pushing me when I needed to be pushed, and holding me when I couldn’t make it any further. Thank you for barreling through the tunnel of darkness with me and helping me find a glimmer of hope. You are my light, you are my strength. You are the good in this world. You were there for me when I couldn’t be there for myself; you took care of me when there was nothing to take care of. You kept me alive this year. Thank you

Mommy’s angel- one year later I still stand by my words…
?mommy loves you?
I would still rather have had 22 hours with you then a lifetime without you. You will always be my pride and my joy. I will always be proud to be your mommy.
?You are mine and I am yours?