Infant Loss & Grieving

The Nursery

healing / July 5, 2016 /

I find myself sitting in the nursery a lot.  I am not sure why; I feel a weird sense of peace in this space.  Sometimes I sit in the rocker and look out the window, other times I sit on the floor and flip through all the books we have- pretending to have a purpose in that space.  The space that is jammed packed with all baby stuff that needed to be put away before we got home from the hospital.  Just enough space to open the door and find a spot to sit.  Boxes of diapers and clothes, swings, bouncy seats, a bath tub, the bassinet that was right next to the bed… I know sooner than later I am going to have to re-organize all of this stuff, but for right now I just push it aside and don’t really do much with it.  I look around the room in a complete state of numbness.  What was the point of all this stuff?

Sometimes I feel brave and I open the dresser drawer and I look at all the clothes that are organized so meticulously by size.  I pull a few pieces out then quickly shove them back into the drawer and I close it- what are baby clothes without a baby?  I open the closet and see the outfit I planned on having Ryan wear to a family party a few months after he was born- the one with the moose on it.  I run my fingers over the moose but then my eyes fall to the floor and I shut the closet door- too sad to handle.

I finally mustered up the courage to go in the attic and get the diaper bag I packed the day we went to the hospital- I unzipped it then almost immediately re-zipped it and ran it up to the nursery and placed it in the corner- not ready to look at the blankets, 3 different kinds of pacifiers, the outfits, the book and anything else I packed- Those are Ryan’s, and I can’t bring myself to unpack them yet.

It’s not the stuff that makes me sad, it’s all the memories I wanted to have with this stuff.  It’s thinking about what outfits Ryan was going to wear to which family party or holiday party.  It’s seeing the car seat as I pass it to grab the diaper bag and not understanding why they had to take it out of my car and hide it in the attic.  It’s not wanting to get too excited again.  It’s keeping the crib jammed packed with bouncers and clothes and sheets and anything else I can fit in it so I don’t have to imagine that as a space my baby will one day sleep and get too excited about.

So for now it all sits.  And… it will probably sit until the moment we need to use it.

For now, I just sit…