Pregnancy After Loss
Pregnancy after loss… What a complex experience. So many different emotions pulling and tugging at you all at the same time. Happiness followed by sadness. Hopefulness followed by fear. Excitement followed by guilt.
Happiness that I find myself pregnant again, followed immediately by sadness because the only reason I am pregnant is because you are not here. Hopefulness that this time will be different; fear that it will not. Excitement that your baby brother is heart healthy; guilt because you were not.
Every doctors appointment is a tug-of-war. Always a comparison to your appointments. All of our doctors appointment this time around has brought us great news. News I AM so thrilled to finally hear. But with all the greatness, there is a reminder of you. How I wish YOU were the one we got all the great news about. How I wish YOU were the one with the healthy heart. How I wish I could somehow separate these experiences- I struggle with that. And even after we get good news about your brother, I somehow still bring you up and I tell our new team of doctors the news we received from your same appointments and how this pregnancy is complete opposite from yours.
He is not you, and you are not him. This was not your pregnancy, and your pregnancy is not his. I feel guilty knowing this pregnancy wouldn’t be if you were still here. In the same breath I am thankful for your brother, but I miss you. I am hopeful for happiness, but will always hold you tight in my forever broken heart.
Forever my two baby boys… brothers who will never get to be together. Brother I will never get to raise together. Brothers who will never know one another and the impact that both of you made in my life.
You taught me more about myself in your 22 hours of life; you have helped me become the person I am today, you have made me a better person. And your brother, who without even trying has begun to bring life back into me and has created a new hopefulness in my soul.