Infant Loss & Grieving


healing / February 11, 2016 /

Have you ever been blindsided?  I thought I had been in the past… I was wrong.  I know a whole different meaning the the word blindsided.

 I am a black and white person.  There has always been very little grey in my life. In those 20 weeks leading up to the birth of my son I had put my faith and trust in those doctors.  They told me while my sons heart condition was severe enough to need possible intervention, they were always so positive… yet vague.  They used words like “possibly”, and “just to be ahead of it”.  I was very black and white in my appointments.  I learned early on in my life how to close out emotion and listen to facts… I think I got that from my father.   I listened to all the facts the doctors told me.  I wrote everything down so I couldn’t fabricate what I thought I heard them say.   I needed to know all the facts going into this life with a sick child.  I was ready.  I was ready to be his warrior.  I knew everything I could possibly know going into that day.  I had several different plans mapped out in my head for my new life as a mom.

They were hopeful.  They were not nearly as concerned as one would imagine given the outcome of my son CHD.  The head of the NICU told me “I saw all the imagines and reports, it looks like your son has a very favorable outcome”; and when I asked her to be straight with me about a timeline we may be looking at to be in the hospital she tells me “best case scenario he stays a week so we can observe him and then you can bring him home and he comes back in a few weeks to get the cath lab procedure…. worst case scenario he is here a month and needs open heart surgery”.  How did we go from worst case scenario being a month in the hospital, to my son not even living 24 hours? Blindsided.

How were the doctors so wrong?  ALL of the doctors because you see we saw so many different doctors and they all saw the same thing when they did the scans.  We had 2 different sets of MFM & pediatric cardiologists confirm… all 4+ said the same thing.  They said the severity of my son’s heart condition fell in the high-moderate/low-severe range- not even critical.  Why is my son gone?

 I wasn’t prepared for him not to be with me.  I’m still trying to navigate this life without him… unmarked, unpaved, without an actual path to follow.