Infant Loss & Grieving


healing / February 1, 2016 /

In my last post I used the word “jaded” and it stuck with me.  A pretty accurate word to describe me.  My life has been easy, with chapters of darkness.  I was raised in a good wholesome family with good wholesome values.  My parents remained in a loving marriage until a day in May my father became very ill with Leukemia.  He passed away that November.

Jaded Point #1.

Losing your father at 18 is very hard to explain.  As a senior graduating high school and becoming a freshman in college I had so many different things rolling around in my head.  I loved my father, I was worried about my father, I somehow KNEW there was no coming back from how sick he was.  I was absolutely devastated.  But in the same breathe, I wanted to go to all the graduation parties- I wanted my OWN graduation party; I spent that summer driving my baby sister (who was five at the time) around to pool parties and play dates because my mother spent all her time in the hospital with my father.  I was proud to take on that responsibility, I never got mad or upset… but I missed a lot that summer.  And when the fall came, and I went to college for this first time and I just wanted to fit in, make new friends, be normal.

After my dad passed away it was a bumpy windy road.  I did not make the best decisions.  Luckily I was able to keep myself out of trouble.  I was on a path, and when my dad died that path started a very long uphill battle.  But I made it!  I was able to overcome the obstacles that were thrown in front of me.  I made some really great friends during this time in my life, and I also lost a lot of great friends.

This is life… they say

Jaded Point #2:

Just when things start to feel settled, more bad news.  My little brother is diagnosed with Lymphoma.  Really… more cancer? First my dad now my brother? My favorite baby brother?

GO fuck yourself cancer.

Needless to say this outcome was way more positive because my badass brother beat the shit out of cancer!!

Go A-man!  My hero.

Throughout the year there have been many other losses.  Not quite a “direct” as my dad and my brother… but still heart breaking.  My favorite Aunt Mary, my Grandma… Some how I was able to keep myself from getting bitter- I was jaded but never bitter.  There had to be some type of goodness in this life that would overcome heartbreak.

And now my jaded point that has brought me to write…

Jaded Point #3:

Losing my first born baby boy to a congenital heart defect.

Seriously… what the fuck (very vulgar today I apologize but COME on!)

No words can describe how this feels.  We were prepared to be fighters and fight for him, we weren’t prepared to lose him.  How am I supposed to keep my heart warm and open after this?  How am I not supposed to get bitter, and angry, and dark?

Remember that path I mentioned in Jaded Point #1… well that path completed ended the day Ryan passed away.  It just ended.  There was no path up the windy bumpy uphill road, there was no left, there was no right- it was just gone.

The only thing that gets me through my day is knowing he is not suffering.  I will see him again some day.  I will make good choices so I can see him again some day.  I have to believe that I will see him again some day.

Jaded.  I am no longer afraid to die- for I know when I do he will be the first person I see.  I will never take my own life, but I am not afraid of when my time is up.  Is that the meaning of jaded?  No longer being afraid of an unknown such as this?

Jaded is who I am.  I will always have a bit of jadedness that lives in me forever.  I have decided that I am strong enough to start building a new path.  I have decided that I will not let this tragedy break me.  I will build that right path.