Infant Loss & Grieving

…But it wasn’t enough…

healing / January 26, 2016 /

This whole things just confuses me a little bit.  Why was I chosen to endure this inexplicable pain?  I did everything right!

I am not a smoker or a heavy drinker (I mean I definitely enjoy my glass or two of wine;), I work out a few times a week… I take care of myself!  I started taking prenatal vitamins six months before we started trying because that’s what all the blogs and websites said was best to do if you know you want to start trying to have a baby.  I did everything I could to give my baby the best chance I could give.  I walked every single day because I read it was good for his heart.  I took yoga on Fridays.  I fueled my body knowing I had to not only support myself, but also support my growing baby.  I went to bed early every day and made sure to get plenty of rest.  What more could I have done!!

But it wasn’t enough was it?!  Will it ever be enough? What is enough?  How come some women can make all the wrong choices and still have healthy babies while I made all the right choices and my baby’s heart was so broken he became an angel?  It just blows my mind that this sort of thing can occur… Don’t get me wrong- I am glad those women who made all the wrong choices didn’t have to experience this pain.  I wouldn’t wish this emptiness on my worst enemy.  But why did this happen to me?

I will forever be jaded because of this.  I wonder if I will ever enjoy another pregnancy… there’s a part of me that never wants to get pregnant.  I cry when I say that because all I have ever wanted since I was a little girl was to be a mommy.  What if I never get that chance?  What if all my babies are born with hearts too broken for this life?  Where does that leave me?  Can I be that woman who walks through this life without children by her side… I know the answer- the answer is no.

Jaded- I like the word jaded.  I think it describes me perfectly.