I couldn’t find my words.
I couldn’t find my words. I did not have words to speak. I am lost in this world of grief. I see people flying past me at lightening speed, but I just stand still. I try to keep up but seem to always be falling behind. That brings me to the day during my pregnancy when my doctors told us we would be delivering at the bigger hospital so we could be “ahead” of my baby’s CHD… so quickly after he was born did we begin to chase it- we started falling behind. Always falling behind. What I would give to just keep up.
It’s been almost five months since my sweet angel left this earth. I am fully emerged in this sea of grief, I cannot see the beginning and I cannot see the end. I try everyday to swim forward, but without fail the current brings me back. What would he look like? Would he be sleeping through the night? Would he be home or still in the hospital?
As I see my friends babies grow into little people I think about my own baby- frozen forever in time. He will ALWAYS look like the baby in the picture I now have propped on my work desk. How will I feel when their babies start to walk, and I look at my sweet boy staring at me from his incubator? I will never know…
I promised myself I would heal. Everyday I work on healing. Some days I fake it. Other days I really believe I am healing.
I want to heal- I want my baby back. I want my sweet baby boy back.