Infant Loss & Grieving

Monthly Archives : January 26, 2016

…But it wasn’t enough…

healing / January 26, 2016

This whole things just confuses me a little bit.  Why was I chosen to endure this inexplicable pain?  I did everything right! I am not a smoker or a heavy drinker (I mean I definitely enjoy my glass or two of wine;), I work out a few times a week… I take care of myself!  I started taking prenatal vitamins six months before we started trying because that’s what all the blogs and websites said was best to do if you know you want to start trying to have a baby.  I did everything I could to give my baby the best chance I could give.  I walked every single …..

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I have a son, his name is Ryan

GrievinghealingInfant Loss / January 25, 2016

  “I have a son, his name is Ryan”; “I remember him”. Early mornings are hard.  I wake up wondering if it was all just a nightmare.  For a split second I think it might be.  But then reality comes crashing down.  It was not a nightmare.  This is my life.  I had a baby.  I have a son and his name is Ryan. I find myself replaying every bittersweet second of those 22 hours.  The moment I saw my sweet baby- the rush of joy that came over me.  The moment I heard the nurse telling the doctors to give him to me even though I wasn’t supposed to …..

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Ryan’s Sky

GrievinghealingInfant Loss / January 13, 2016

As I finish up my work day, I can’t help but glance out the window at my desk.  I am looking at the sky.  I see my sweet Ryan when I look to the sky. A few weeks after I was forced to say goodbye, I decided to take a road trip to Lake George, NY.  I needed to get away, get out of my house, run away from myself.  As I drove it began to rain; it began to pour.  As I pulled off the exit on the Northway the rain subsided.  Always so deep in thought when I drive.  Thinking about the past, the future… always about my …..

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GrievingInfant Loss / January 11, 2016

I couldn’t find my words. I couldn’t find my words. I did not have words to speak. I am lost in this world of grief. I see people flying past me at lightening speed, but I just stand still. I try to keep up but seem to always be falling behind. That brings me to the day during my pregnancy when my doctors told us we would be delivering at the bigger hospital so we could be “ahead” of my baby’s CHD… so quickly after he was born did we begin to chase it- we started falling behind. Always falling behind. What I would give to just keep up. It’s …..

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