Infant Loss & Grieving


healing / August 27, 2016

One year. A flash of hope that was here and gone in less than a day. A moment that changes a person. Challenging me to redefine myself, my beliefs and my fears. A moment that forced me to reevaluate everything I ever knew. To begin to understand this tragedy is still impossible. To say the words is still unbearable. To endure the pain of this forever broken heart is still unimaginable. Not a moment goes by that I haven’t thought about this day one year ago today. Going to bed the night Ryan was born with hope and waking up the next morning to a nightmare. Navigating through the rush …..

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“Sometimes Death Isn’t The Worst Thing”

healing / August 11, 2016

I went in for a follow up fetal echocardiogram  for my heart healthy rainbow last week. The conversation started with what happened to my angel, and the rest of the appointment was spent talking about Ryan (as all my specialty appointments usually do). Today was my first time meeting this cardiologist in the practice- and I saw a little spark in his eye when I mention Ryan was diagnosed with complete Shone’s Syndrome. We spent the rest of the appointment taking about Shone’s and about Ryan. I feel like I have been searching for this doctor since the day I lost my son almost a year ago- someone to finally …..

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The Nursery

healing / July 5, 2016

I find myself sitting in the nursery a lot.  I am not sure why; I feel a weird sense of peace in this space.  Sometimes I sit in the rocker and look out the window, other times I sit on the floor and flip through all the books we have- pretending to have a purpose in that space.  The space that is jammed packed with all baby stuff that needed to be put away before we got home from the hospital.  Just enough space to open the door and find a spot to sit.  Boxes of diapers and clothes, swings, bouncy seats, a bath tub, the bassinet that was right next …..

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Pregnancy After Loss

healing / June 9, 2016

Pregnancy after loss… What a complex experience. So many different emotions pulling and tugging at you all at the same time.  Happiness followed by sadness.  Hopefulness followed by fear.  Excitement followed by guilt. Happiness that I find myself pregnant again, followed immediately by sadness because the only reason I am pregnant is because you are not here.  Hopefulness that this time will be different; fear that it will not.  Excitement that your baby brother is heart healthy; guilt because you were not. Every doctors appointment is a tug-of-war.  Always a comparison to your appointments.  All of our doctors appointment this time around has brought us great news.  News I AM …..

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Mother’s Day Without You

GrievingInfant Loss / May 9, 2016

Today is hard.  I never thought you wouldn’t be here for our first Mother’s Day together.  I was not planning on acknowledging today.  I never intended to get out of bed today, but your daddy softly and gently told me last night, “he deserves you to celebrate Mother’s Day for him”. You deserve me to honor you and celebrate being your mommy.   I celebrated you today, I cried for you today, I cried a lot.  I wished you were here.  Today doesn’t feel right without you.  Celebrating without you doesn’t feel right.  You are the reason I am a mommy, it’s not natural to not have you here with …..

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healing / April 6, 2016

It’s been almost eight months since I’ve seen his face.  Eight months since I held his little body in my arms, kissed his sweet cheeks.  Eight months since I heard him cry for the only time.  It has been the worst eight month of my life.  Saying goodbye to my first born son less than 24 hours after I said hello has been, by far, the most heart wrenching, excruciating thing I have ever had to do.  Figuring out how to live without him has been impossible. Eight months ago my sweet boy Ryan became an angel after being born with a broken heart.  The doctor’s officially diagnosed him with Shone’s Syndrome, only after …..

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Fake It Until You Make It

healing / February 15, 2016

I hear people using this phrase: “fake it until you make it”.  I’ve always heard it from actors and musicians.  I never thought I would turn into a “fake it until you make it” sort of person.  But this has been my life since Ryan left this earth.  I learned quickly about the “mask”.  I put my mask on religiously every morning before stepping out of bed- when it comes off is a different story.  I would like to think I can wait until the end of my work day to take it off, but I simply don’t seem to have as much control of the removal of my mask. People …..

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healing / February 11, 2016

Have you ever been blindsided?  I thought I had been in the past… I was wrong.  I know a whole different meaning the the word blindsided.  I am a black and white person.  There has always been very little grey in my life. In those 20 weeks leading up to the birth of my son I had put my faith and trust in those doctors.  They told me while my sons heart condition was severe enough to need possible intervention, they were always so positive… yet vague.  They used words like “possibly”, and “just to be ahead of it”.  I was very black and white in my appointments.  I learned early on …..

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healing / February 1, 2016

In my last post I used the word “jaded” and it stuck with me.  A pretty accurate word to describe me.  My life has been easy, with chapters of darkness.  I was raised in a good wholesome family with good wholesome values.  My parents remained in a loving marriage until a day in May my father became very ill with Leukemia.  He passed away that November. Jaded Point #1. Losing your father at 18 is very hard to explain.  As a senior graduating high school and becoming a freshman in college I had so many different things rolling around in my head.  I loved my father, I was worried about …..

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…But it wasn’t enough…

healing / January 26, 2016

This whole things just confuses me a little bit.  Why was I chosen to endure this inexplicable pain?  I did everything right! I am not a smoker or a heavy drinker (I mean I definitely enjoy my glass or two of wine;), I work out a few times a week… I take care of myself!  I started taking prenatal vitamins six months before we started trying because that’s what all the blogs and websites said was best to do if you know you want to start trying to have a baby.  I did everything I could to give my baby the best chance I could give.  I walked every single …..

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